I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
this is an emotional support booty call
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
