just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
