Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
