Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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