I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
