her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
this is an emotional support booty call
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
