The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
