a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
