Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
