There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
