remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
