my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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