he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
