oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
