The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
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He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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