note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
