puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
