You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
