I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
