Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
