1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
