I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
sarcasm needs its own font
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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