Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
