I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
