So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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