I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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