I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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