I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
