His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
