Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
