its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
