Im at strip club and am horny
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
