# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
then he tried to convert me to islam
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
