i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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