Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
