I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
