if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
