Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
