One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
