Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
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im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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