This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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