but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
