I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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