So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
