Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
