i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
