you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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