Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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