Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
