Someone shit on the floor
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
