Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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