the condom got lost in my hair
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
