the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.