too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
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Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
not ubering you a puppy