you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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