Swine flu. Run for my life!
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
