You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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