Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
