he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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