I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
