if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
