2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money