if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify