this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
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If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
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He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand