3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
